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I stood and sucked my tummy in a little, and admired that my ass was still tight, thanks to the regular gym work outs."You still got it girl," I said with a smile, and sat back down at the computer."But life is just so goddamned dull," I sighed, as I clicked the next URL on the history page.I gasped at the image that popped onto the screen, a picture of a naked woman on all fours being mounted by a large, black, Great Dane.
"I am still attractive," I thought as I looked at myself with a critical eye.I look back and realize that my calm, fairly together response was, in reality, shock and trauma. While, in the past 4 years, there have been some porn-related slips, there has been no more cheating, so far as I can tell. We’ve had ups and downs, but have been generally successful in recovering this marriage.My reason for believing him is the difference in reaction he has had over the years – he’s not defensive, doesn’t fight my accusations, is calmly open to my questions, feels I have the right to my feelings, etc. Still, we recently separated for a few months because I had to face the fact that, while things are better, stable, peaceful, even good…I needed space to just focus on me, think about alternatives, etc. I am fairly crushed to realize that, after all of this, even after risking separation and reconciling, the brokenness remains, perhaps for always.He moved out for a few months, we co-parented our boys (now ages 4 and 6), we drafted a legal separation agreement. Given reality, given our children and our family and our professional dreams and so on, my life, as it is today, is better/easier/more supported with him than without him. And I don’t know what more to expect, or how to think about all of this.